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James Swindle
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Posted - 2007.12.31 16:53:00 -
[1]
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ôvocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to*****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2007.12.31 16:54:00 -
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6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2007.12.31 16:55:00 -
[3]
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:13:00 -
[4]
lol
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2007.12.31 17:46:00 -
[5]
You fail with your reasoning.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.01 01:07:00 -
[6]
Hahahahaha, just read all the posts that have been posted since i went out. I would never of posted it if people were going to take it so seriously
Also the guy who said that you saved our arse in WW1 and WW2, you know....just...ssshh.
WW1, you were barely involved and when you were...you were being typical gun ho yanks jumping over the trenches and getting shot into a swiss cheese like state (i could go on about WW1 but it is really too much effort).
And as for WW2, i just can hope you can work it out for yourselves with these few words...Battle of Britain, again late to the war, the Ruskies, British intelligence/sabotage, etc etc.
Now don't get me wrong, you helped a great deal in WW2...not really so much in WW1 (except with supplies). But you say you saved out arses is just a false statement.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.01 01:56:00 -
[7]
That does not mean you saved our arse in WW1.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.01 02:18:00 -
[8]
I just relised the idiocy of me pointing out that it was a humour thread and not taking it seriously....and then for me to go ahead and get serious.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.01 18:23:00 -
[9]
I think he was refering to the fact that if the Russians hadn't kept the Germans busy on the eastern front, then the Germans would of been able to move the majority of there forces to the western front...and thus the out come COULD of been very different.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.02 03:01:00 -
[10]
Whatever, as i said...i could go into huge amounts of detail about it but i cant be arsed. Im not going to sit here and write an essay about it just to prove a point.
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.02 03:03:00 -
[11]
Oh and seeing as i ripped this from a group on Facebook, i though i would share with you people one of the many funny responces that it got from an American who couldn't tell it was just a joke.
"Adrian Ivasic (Sterling KS) wrote
on Dec 31, 2007 at 1:26 PM.
About your Anti American group... I am sorry you don't like the way we talk or the fact that we are so dominant in the world. You don't like that we blow people up for talking **** and that we elected an idiot as president (we all make mistakes, atleast he has balls to fight, and your country did support him and the war that most of us didn't) Over 200 years ago we decide worshiping old women and men were dumb. We also felt that you guys were a bunch of soft pussies so we waged war for freedom and won. There are words you use wrong like "bloody" simply say ******* if you can't then don't. Also your horrible accent makes you sound homosexual which most of your men look as well, please find a weight room. Also I am sorry that we have to be the policeman of the world and everytime there was a world war we had to save you****s from germany, next time we will just let them take over and there will be only one english speaking country...us. Also American football is perhaps to advanced for you to understand with play calling and strategy, more so than rugby which I have played. I know strategy and physicality is not your guys type of thing. Sense you can't fight and your army always needs our help. All in all if you don't like too bad. You were once the super power of the world and your just ****ed that some arrogant macho people have taken your language and butchered it; taken your empire out of North America by kicking your asses; and taken your pride by helping you win every war of the modern day.
Happy holidays" 
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.02 15:42:00 -
[12]
Maybe "barely" was a bad word to use, the point i was trying to get across was that fact that what you did for us in WW1 does not equal..."we saved your ass in WW1" kind of statements. Or you still going to be so stubborn that you want me to go and find my old history papers and copy them up for you?!
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James Swindle
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Posted - 2008.01.02 22:56:00 -
[13]
GTFO of the thread with your rubbish super mario advertising.
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